Please Don't Make SMART Goals They Will Only Consume You

Essays | Writing

This piece is my third time being published in Inkspot! Check out the other pieces in there too!

Last year I played Jenny Jiao Hsia's Consume Me, which is sort of like this autobiographical life simulator? Here's the Steam summary:

"Hey remember when your parents, your friends, and society at large all conspired to make you feel ugly, lazy, stupid, and unloved despite the brilliant human spirit contained within you? No? Well, allow us to refresh your memory via the timeless medium of a slice-of-life role-playing game!"

(A significant portion of the game revolves around Jenny's eating disorder, which I will be talking about, so consider yourself warned!)

In the very first meal of the game, you have to balance these physics-object-foods on Jenny's plate until you've filled up her "hunger meter" ... But the meter fills so slowly, and your precious tower inevitably topples over.

But there's an easy way out. Sometimes you see the option to add a chocolate bar, or a slice of cake, which will fill up Jenny's hunger meter much quicker. And unavoidably, that's what you do. And Jenny's mum immediately scolds her for it.

So Jenny starts "dieting" and, well ... after this point the eating minigames become very different. Instead of food-as-physics-objects, you have food-as-Tetris-blocks, which you must slot into a grid to fill up Jenny's hunger spaces.

It's still difficult, mind you. Not everything fits where you want it to, and now you've got to keep to a strict calorie limit on top of it. But honestly? It's so so so much less scary. It's neat, and organised, and you aren't pulling out your hair trying to fight an unpredictable physics engine. You are in control.

So, this is where the review gets serious, because I was a bit like Jenny growing up. Throughout the game she has a to-do list with things like:

"Reach level 4 in academics"
"Complete X number of extracurriculars"
"Score more ‘points’ than your rival on this imaginary mental scoreboard!"
"Get your estimated exam grade to 100% before the end of the semester (it increases by 5% each time you take the study action)"
"ALSO, don't forget to concurrently manage your relationship with your long-distance boyfriend (you have a ❤︎ counter with him, which decreases by 3❤︎ every evening, and you must spend your limited action points doing things like texting for +2❤︎, or video calling for +5❤︎)"

It's all so "blocky" right? But surely this is a gimmick of gamification; all video games need to be rigid in some areas, you see a similar thing in games like Stardew Valley, where relationships are (also!) measured in ❤︎s.

But when I was thirteen and I started a to-do list? I did these things too.

[x] Make a post on your blog before end of the month
[x] Finish John Green's Turtles All the Way Down by June
[x] Hang out with friends at least three times over January

I quantified all my hobbies and relationships. If I worked hard and achieved these things, I thought, I would be worthy, and I wouldn't have to hate myself anymore.

Did you ever learn about SMART goals in high school? That really coloured these habits. Apparently, your goals should be:

Specific
Measurable
Actionable
Reasonable
Time-based

I was obsessed with being SMART about my goals and to-do lists. I felt dumb that I was monolingual and decided I wanted to learn a language. On its own, that's not SMART. You know what is?

[x] Finish the Duolingo course for Spanish

I felt stupid around my friends whenever they talked about films I didn't know. So:

[x] Watch through the Letterboxd "250 most popular" list

I felt ugly and wanted to be pretty. But where do I start? What do I measure? I can't put a number on prettiness. But you know what I could measure?

[x] Lose XX Kilos

And it was more comfortable this way. Like the Tetris blocks! I could measure my progress. I knew if I was doing the right thing, I knew exactly how to get better. Once I quantified my grades, skills, appearance, suddenly it became clear how to stack it all up.

When Jenny makes these to-do lists, it's not a gimmick of gamification. Time and time again, we see that these are the actual direct measures by which she sees the world. When Jenny breaks down to her boyfriend about her fear of them breaking up because of too many lost ❤︎s, he laughs it off, asking what she's talking about! When Jenny finally beats her rival, the other girl gets mad because she didn't even think they were competing!

And when it’s time to sit her final exams, of course she doesn't get the 100% that her checklist said she would. That just isn't how it works.

And no matter how much I compulsively studied Spanish or watched movies or lost weight, I still felt dumb and ugly and stupid; I never found that I stopped hating myself. With a mountain of tasks every day, you feel compelled to make every second productive. It is terrifying in-game and out.

It's only a matter of time before you burn out.

Jenny's burnout happens in her first year of university, as did mine. She ended up dropping out and losing her boyfriend. I ended up in hospital.

I'm still trying to make sense of it all. But I'm doing a lot better now. I'm going to therapy. I'm trying to get over this compulsiveness of mine.

In summary: When I was thirteen, I turned my life into a video game and it consumed me. I am so glad to be alive again.